Singles Going Steady: LL Cool J's "Doin' It"

James was Private and RA's friend. Private, RA, and I worked together at the OSU bookstore. I was just getting to know them. They were "Will & Grace" before there was a "Will & Grace"; only in this version, "Will" was a muscle-y black guy and "Grace" was an overweight farm girl. They finished each other's sentences, had a ton of inside jokes, and were really fun to be around. Anyway, James was their friend. When I first saw him, he was talking to Private, and I had to force myself to stop staring. He looked like he could have been a movie star—or at least a soap-opera star. James had a football player's build. He was a big guy, but not beefy. His skin was this smooth, beautiful, deep brown color. He smelled amazing. But the best part? Was his smile. It was big and bright and extremely high wattage. And he strongly resembled someone famous … but who? I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Hey," I whispered to RA. "Who's the guy talking to Private? His boyfriend?" RA busted up, "He wishes! No, that's James. He lived in our dorm freshman year and we've all been friends ever since." She closed her register and grabbed my arm. "Come on. I'll introduce you." She walked to the counter and bumped Private over with her hip. "You know, it's so sad watching you try so hard to will James into being a fag."
"Oh and it's so, SO sad," Private replied, pinching her ass, "watching you devour those Snackwells and willing them to make you skinny."
James laughed and said to me, "I don't know how you can stand working with these two fools."
"They're good times," I said.
"Oh goodness," RA said. "Where are my manners?" She turned to me, "Iseult, this is James." And turned to him, "James, this is Iseult."
We shook hands. He had really nice hands.
"Iseult, it's a pleasure." He hoisted his backpack up on his shoulder. "And now I have someone else to visit in between my boring business classes." And there was that Smile.
My face felt hot. "Yeah," I stuttered. "I'm here all the time."
"Excellent." James headed for the exit. He nodded toward Private and RA, "I'll see you and you tonight. And," to me, with the smile, smile, smile, "you, too, I hope." He walked down the stairs and was gone.

"Such a shame," Private shook his head. "Such a goddamn shame."
"Whatever," RA was chewing on a Twizzler. "What makes you think he'd be into you if he was gay?"
"Girl, please." Private did a little dance, "They all want to get into me, okay?"
I was still thinking about what James said about seeing me tonight. "So," I asked trying not to sound too eager, "what's tonight?"
"Oh yeah," Private said. "You want to come dancing with us?"
I didn't hesitate. "Absolutely!"

We went to the Newport for something with the unfortunate name of "Disco Inferno." It was a theme party, obviously, and there was a sea of polyester, unbuttoned shirts, Afro wigs, and platform shoes to wade through before you could get to the dance floor.
"I'm going in," Private yelled. "See you bitches later."
Across the room, someone was waving at us. It was James. He had on—what else—a white, polyester leisure suit and looked fabulous. RA and I stumbled through the crowd over to him. "Hey ladies," he kissed RA on the cheek then bent down and did the same to me. I'm sure I blushed, I'm glad it was dark. "You made it. Want to dance?" he yelled.
"Yeah," I yelled.
"Have fun," RA waved goodbye. "I'm getting a drink."

We made our way to the front of the floor. "Let's go up," he said gesturing to the stage where there were less people. Just as I expected, he was a great dancer, and a total Lothario. Close to an hour went by when I realized how dehydrated I was. "I've got to get some water," I yelled. He nodded and walked me over to where RA was sitting and got me a bottle. "You up for some more?" he pointed to the stage. I really, really wanted to, but I felt exhausted, like I'd had a lot of sex. "No," I yelled, "You go." "My loss," he said and went back into the crowd.

RA and I surveyed the scene. "You know," she yelled between sips of her amaretto sour, "there are some ugly people here tonight."
"I know," I yelled back. "Look at that girl in the red jumpsuit. Sister needs to pull that zipper waaaaay up."
"Where?" RA yelled.
I pointed, "Over by the fire exit."
"Oh damn," she said and rolled her eyes. "That's Jenna. I didn't think she'd be here tonight."
"Who's Jenna?"
She motioned for me to come closer, "Jenna is this girl that we met at some club. We hung out with her a few times and the next thing I know, she's hanging out with us, like, constantly. She dropped out of school, wants to be an actress or some bullshit. Totally slutty. A new guy every time I see her. Look at how she's dancing." She made a barfing gesture.
"Oh." I watched Jenna work the dance floor like a stripper. She had that high-maintenance-but-cheap look that dominates men's magazines. Long, big, blonde hair. Huge boobs. Lots of eyeliner. She walked over to James and gave him big hug and kiss. "She and James a thing?" I tried to not sound disappointed.
RA smirked. "Um, no. She wanted it, but he came to his senses and realized now nasty that girl is, thank God." She looked sideways at me, "Why? You have a thing for James?"
"Oh! No! I, uh, was just wondering, that's all."
"Yeah, right," she said and put down her drink. "Look, let me offer you some advice. James, he's really fucking hot and really smart and nice and the whole bag of chips. He's pretty much perfect, on paper. But trust me: You don't want to go out with him, okay?" She was totally serious. "Okay?"
I laughed, "Okay, okay, I won't!"
"Good."

A week later, I was getting ready for work, picking out my daily CDs, one of which was LL Cool J's Mr. Smith. I was obsessed with the track "Doin' It," not just because it was a sexy song, but the production was tight and the beat was very catchy. Then it hit me: The famous person I thought James resembled was LL Cool J. It was uncanny, actually, how much they looked alike. Same build, same complexion, same mannerisms. Right down to that lip-licking tic that LL had. James did it, too. I stared at the photo of LL on the CD case for a long time and thought about "Disco Inferno."

Work was really busy. Private and RA had both called off (recovering from hangovers, I later learned), so that left me and one other person to run the place. I paused to take a sip of my coffee and heard someone say, "Hey sexy lady." Pretty certain this person wasn't talking to me, I didn't even look up. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and saw that it was James.
"Hey," I said, trying to act all cool. "What's up?"
He leaned on the counter. "Not a whole lot, school, homework, trying to stay out of trouble," Smile, smile, smile.
"Yeah. I hear that," I dorked out and noticed my boss was looking over disapprovingly, given the lines that were forming behind James.
"Listen, I know you're a busy lady, but I was hoping that maybe we could get together this weekend. Coffee? Cocktails? Your call."
"Sure," I felt rushed, my boss was walking over. "I have a lot of studying to do, but Sunday night? Coffee?"
"Coffee it is. Eight o'clock? At King Avenue?"
"Sounds great."
"Alright," Smile, smile, smile. "See you then."
Later, as I walked home, I listened to "Doin' It" on repeat the entire way.

The next night, I went over with RA to Private's apartment to watch "90210." The whole time we were watching it, I thought about how I should tell them about the date with James. Finally, at a commercial, I just blurted it out, "James asked me out for coffee on Sunday and I said yes, okay? I said yes."
RA and Private stared at me, then at each other.
"Oh, here we go," sighed Private. "I thought you told her."
"I didn't because I didn't think it was necessary," RA mumbled. She looked worried.
"Tell me what? What's going on?"
They ignored me. "You want to get it, or should I?" RA asked.
"You get it," said Private. "I'll get the drinks." He patted me on the head as he walked to the kitchen. "RA, you think this calls for something fruity?"
"But you're already here."
"Ha, ha."
"Sea Breezes," she yelled as she rooted around the entertainment center.
What was going on? "RA, what the hell are you looking for?" She didn't answer.
"Here you go." Private handed me a drink. "You just tell me when you need another, sweetie, okay? There's a whole goddamn pitcher in there. And remember: We're only doing this because we care about you."
RA came back to the couch with the remote. "Ready?"
"Roll it." Private turned off the lights.

The picture flickered on. "I'll fast-forward through the credits," said RA. Next on the screen was a shot of the interior of a house. A kind of nice-looking house, in a McMansion-y sort of way. There was some bad "lite" jazz playing in the background. Then a shot of a woman wearing a schoolgirl-type outfit. She looked kind of familiar. "Is that … Jenna?" Private and RA nodded. Jenna walked up a big staircase into a bedroom where there was a handyman working on something. She said, "I hope when you're done with that, you can do some work on me." Then she took off her clothes and they started screwing on the floor. I was totally dumbfounded. "You guys," I slurped my drink, "why are you showing this to me?" Private put a finger to his lips, "Shhhh." They finished having sex in a variety of really preposterous positions, then the handyman said something like, "Let me show you the rest of my screwdriver," and they did it again. RA and Private were cracking up but I was really confused: I was watching this because they cared about me? "Guys, okay, I get it. Jenna's nasty. Point taken." Private whispered to RA, "Fast-forward to the part."

Scenes of Jenna and the handyman in the shower zipped by. Then Jenna was lounging in a robe on the bed. "I'm so lonely. If only my husband would take care of me like you did," she said to the handyman. Then the sound of a door slamming and a male voice, "Honey? I'm home." "Oh no! Hide in the closet!" Jenna told the handyman, then she yelled, "Up here, darling." When the door opened, a big, ripped black guy wearing a tank top and jeans came in the room. "I missed you," Jenna oozed, as she put her arms around the guy's neck. "I've been thinking about you all day," she winked at the handyman watching from the closet. I snorted and almost spit out my drink. When the camera panned in, I saw the guy lick his lips. "LL Cool J?" I said. "Jenna was in a porno with LL? That's nuts!" RA and Private looked at me like I was an alien. "Sweetie," Private held my hand. "That's not LL." Of course, it wasn't. On the screen, James had Jenna on all fours on the bed and was giving it to her something fierce. Jenna was screaming, "Oh yeah! Oh you're so big!" pouting and posing directly into the camera, while James kept his head down or turned toward the wall. It was like a car wreck. After a few minutes of this, RA asked gently, "Seen enough?" I nodded and downed the rest of my drink. "I'll get you a refill," said Private.

RA told me that James had done the "movie" as a favor to Jenna. She thought this would get her a foot in the door, help start her acting career. But after he did it, he had a change of heart and made her promise that she would destroy the tape and all the copies. She told him she did, only she obviously didn't. But James didn't know that.

And we never did get that coffee.

Three years later, I was on my lunch break at Big Bear in D____, Ohio, at the salad bar, and heard, "Iseult?" It was James. Still as good looking as ever, better looking, if that's even possible. "Girl! I haven't seen you in a minute," he said. "How are you?"
"Good. I'm good."
"You look good."
"Thanks. You, too." We looked at each other, not sure what to say next.
"Well, since we both work out here, we should have lunch sometime."
"Sure. Definitely."
He gave me his card. "Call me."
I nodded, both of us knowing I wouldn't. I headed toward the checkout, then stopped. "You know, I always thought you looked a lot like LL Cool J."
He laughed. "Oh yeah? I get that a lot. People are always coming up to me, swearing that they've seen me before—they're just not sure where. It's crazy. Guess I'm a memorable guy. Must be the smile." Smile, smile, smile.
"Must be."

LL Cool J, "Doin' It," from the album Mr. Smith
Purchased at a Best Buy in the Columbus, Ohio suburbs
November 1995